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I am a 17 year old bpd chronically online depressed suicidal girl with a large addiction to marijuana, I try to be kind to everyone and whatnot but my supervillan worthy backstory often makes me have intrusive thoughts!!!! So basically this website is a documented version of my schizophrenic ramblings

It's been awhile huh? (insert silly cat gif)

Before I start, I just want to mention I was originally waiting for my bpd treatment to make this blog post. (just to clarify bpd = borderline personality disorder) But as of recently I figured out how long its going to take to get through my treatment, and it made me realize just how long another update could possibly take. Anyways, everyones probably like "HUH? Positive title????" and got shocked and fucking died... So, I recently got engaged, and this has changed my life quality for the better ALOOOTTTT. So for starters, we met on fucking DISCORD of all places. It started as a random DM to a girl I thought looked cool, (she had a lucky star pfp) and we talked as friends for awhile and got to know eachother! Eventually we got into a polycule with this hoe (more on that later) And one day we met up. It was at a local cafe where we didnt order a single thing from the cafe lol. And eventually we had some pretty shit sex in the bathroom, (yikes) after doing some drugs we went over to the subway across the street! Only to do EVEN MORE DRUGS ON THE TABLE. Me and my now fiancee (Kalyn) made out in the bathroom and that was AWESOME. After that we said our goodbyes and headed our ways, I was a little bored but all in all I did some drugs and had some sex so I couldnt complain. After that we had another meetup, this time at my current fiancees house. Things went well until we called Kalyns then online girlfriend, Kalyn then did a silly pose and got called ugly and gross by The online girlfriend and the other member of the polycule. This led to Kalyn punching a wall in anger and telling the other member to get out of the house. I found it reasonable but clearly the other member and the online girlfriend didnt think it was reasonable at all. After we kicked the other member out, it was a monogamous relationship with my now fiancee Kalyn. (YAYYY) After that we kept visiting eachother over and over without issue. We fell in love with eachother, and fast. It was so amazing finally being with someone who truly loves me. Not to mention how pretty she is! Uwahhhhh!!!!!!! I LOVE HERRRRRR SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!! We went on picnics, we went to stores, we went on walks, we rode the bus, we shared a room, we shared everything together. After what felt like a lifetime of love the other member from earlier that we kicked out also went on to call me and my girlfriend colonizers and abusers, both of which arent true lol. Recently, me and my fiancee decided to get engaged! We will be marrying when I turn 18. (oct 4th 2026) She is currently in the navy and im currently unemployed ;-; BUT its okay because navy money is GOOD and can support the two of us completely! Also, we are moving in together relatively close to my birthday aswell! We usually spend most of our time together nowadays anyways lol... Anyways, that was the long awaited update! I hope everyone had faith in me and continues to have faith in me :3 ciao!

Oh my fucking god its bpd.
It all makes so much sense now, why I've been seeing shit, why I seem to push away everyone I love, and why im such a pathetic failure...

Im gonna be taking a break from the site for abit, but just know that im alive somewhere out there and I WILL be working to improve. Psychologist reccomended dbt, so thats gonna be the next step I take. Goodbye for now and thank you all soso much for supporting me in this journey, bless!!! :3

GREAT DAY!!!! TOMORROW I SEE A PSYCHOLOMOGIST OR WHATEVER :3 Also, I've been doing great!!!! I hope everyone continues to check in on me and read these,,, (seriously the fact that you people exist warms my heart) But anyways! I got AWESOME razer kraken kitty headphones, more lego, a tamogotchi, three figures, and a new keyboard!!! Im soso happy with this and how things are,. I feel content with myself and its been such a weird feeling suddenly just... being okay with myself? Either way im a massive fan of how ive been doing recently, also ill try to update this more often but sorry if I take awhile,, TwT

So, I havent been doing great tonight (shocker) aaandd its mainly due to something id rather not publicize... So I guess this is kinda the nothingburger blog update that I never though id make. Anyways, I have been crying and murmuring to myself the whole night about this !!! Sometimes I wish my brain would just let me not care about these things, but then I remember caring about people is a good thing !!! It just means im real empathetic is all,,, and also I lost my fidget toy I used to help me reduce my smoking. Losing that kinda sucks since I require something to fidget with in my hands,... Although I have been substituting it by holding my bracelet in my hand, it still sucks to lose something I rely on so heavily,.. (again) ALSO! I fucking HATE how whenever my past is brought up I always get mad and freak out at whoever brought it up. It feels like a massive setback towards all of my impulse control whenever I get mad aswell, so this kinda really really sucks.. Just hoping the next morning shines brighter than today I suppose... -w-


Hello!! If you checked out the art page recently, you mightve saw something similar to this. Which is my BRAND NEW MINECRAFT FIGURA AVATAR !!!!!! (im super excited about this) It's got animations, a size controller, AND A KICKASS HAIR SYSTEM!! (made using boobie physics LOL) Either way, im insanely proud of myself for creating this and not just because of artistic reasons. The main reason im so happy about it is that I spent multiple days creating something, and NEVER got mad and screamed halfway through production. I know that I dont talk about it much here but I have some seriously bad impulse control,,, SO bad infact that I've been pushed to actually change and grow as a person which, let me let you in on a little secret (ITS HARD) but I feel like this minecraft avatar is a serious piece of proof that I CAN control outbursts/impulses. It makes me really happy too since I recently began improving on OTHER impulses aswell (e.g smoking nicotine and mary jay huana) and its gotten soooo much easier, I dont even have to rely on others to reduce my cravings!!!

Not so happy new years, despite the atrocities that I both shouldnt mention and dont want to mention... I've been slowly recovering, and my recent perscription of aripiprazole seems to be regulating my mood. The only reason i'm alive is because I somehow keep manifesting the hope I need to push myself through this and change myself as a person for the better. I'd go on a rant and talk about how much i've changed, but the truth is I havent changed much so far despite taking the first steps. I'm especially dreading rehab for nicotine as I rely on it so much throughout the day but whatever. I also want to stop smoking weed but I know that its impossible to do until I quit nicotine first. I've really fucked up this time, trust me. If I didnt have as much support as I do currently then I would've killed myself by now. Thank you to all who continue to read.

Fucks sake, just got called a faggot again by the one that used to sell me pot but later harassed me and I snitched on him. His friends told him to seriously stop, and I pretended not to hear it. This is because there is a camera outside pointed at my room and if they check the videos when they review the camera my nans gonna see ive been smoking alot more weed than ive been telling her. I really hate to lie to her like this but my cigarette intake is so retricted the cravings r so badddd !!! ;-; Anyways, im fine with it if thats all he does. If he continues then I am going to be grabbing the tape, and I WILL file a restraining order with that as my reason why and heard "alleged" things about the guy selling dope. (I literally bought it before LMAO) Hopefully the harassment will fucking end when this guy is told LEGALLY to not harass me, or there will be actual real consequences. Maybe even a class action lawsuit because of how much he bothers everyone, he constantly speeds and does burnouts on the main road (and im rural but in a community btw), sells dope to kids (with really jacked up prices), and is the type of person to steal all the pumpkins on halloween. Basically this dude is the fucking grinch, if he EVER does this shit again the domino effect is going to be set right in motion and I will FINALLY have inner peace one way or another due to his abscense.

Holy, these last 10-ish days have been good!!!! I have started to be more productive in terms of education (actually got some of my fucking work done for once thank FUCK. I have gained ALOT of friends!! x.x buuuuuut I have ran out of weed, so here I am crawling back to this website lol. Recently I've wanted to share something, I have started to actually learn godot! (game engine) because I am personally sick and fucking tired of my entire game dev portfolio being encased inside of roblox's shitty ecosystem. I also cooked up some early design concepts for a roguelike following the sorta gameplay saw in my untitled melee game demo on roblox, havent posted the schizo art on my art page yet cuz honestly its a pain in the ass to currently upload images in mass. (gonna fix that just dont know when kekw) and another thing, I HAVE BEEN SMOKING SO MUCH WEED HOLY SHIT. I have been consistently high the ENTIRE time I have been actually productive, its a genuine miracle how I managed to not only perform under pressure but also while under the influence of drugs. If I am capable of churning out decent writing/art/programming whilst im high, but not while im sober(?) that becomes a little concerning because then I might have to just always be high LMAO seriously though, I cant imagine getting anything done if im fucking sober LMFAO im too off in my own world drowning inside my thoughts to be productive that way, but atleast with marijuana it distracts me enough from my mental illnesses without impairing me too heavily and it creates this nice line where im actually productive. I would love to put my theory to test and smoke ALOT of weed for like a week straight and see how much game development/schoolwork I could get done, realistically if I had no schoolwork and spent a week straight programming while high then I would probably atleast have a playable tech demo which would be GREAT for jobs as I dont really have too big of a portfolio and im NOT showing this website to future employers LMAOOOOO.

Let me just paste a piece of my writing from school earlier while I was high, keep in mind I have 5 fucking pages of top notch writing and descriptions like this, "Also, the term “doublethink” is from 1984 directly, it's a word used to convey that despite the words coming out of someone's mouth, they may not directly be saying that. It's a sort of invisible subtext that always exists, and creeps around the world as everybody knows it's not good, but can't stand up against it and never talk about it. It's interesting because you see the same thing happen in real life with north korea specifically, with how isolated they are people really do hate it there, but you will never hear those words coming out of their mouth due to oppression, so the concept of doublethink implies that the situation in which a conversation is being had also impacts the direct meaning of certain words."

I HAVE TO BE ONTO SOMETHING because HOLY SHIT I cant fucking believe I managed to explain 1984 specific book terminology for class, I WAS 100% ACCURATE TOO I RESEARCHED THIS I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE FUCK I KNOW THIS NOR HOW THE FUCK I TYPED THIS. Its genuinely insane the things im capable of doing if im high, like im starting to question if maybe im just extremely intelligent but only weed makes it come out??? idk,,, anyways I am gonna go draw now and probably either play hollow knight or goto bed lul xP

Today I wanted to jump out of my nans car as I rode home, I decided not to as my hand was already reaching for the door. I hate this, all I do is barely manage my addictions, while barely managing my website, while barely managing my mental health, while barely managing school, while barely managing my friendships, while barely managing my diet, while barely managing my sleep, while barely managing my family, while barely managing basic hygene, while barely managing..... While barely managing. One day I am going to go full schizophrenic and kill myself and nobody will even care, everyone who would even cry would eventually forget all about me within a months span. I cant go on like this, without being near my girlfriend or being on any substances I feel like a complete and utter failure. I have been trying to sleep for 5 hours now, and honestly I dont know why I expected to feel better after typing this. I am still tired, I am still depressed, and this blog has not helped me in any way besides knowing that I have decided to write and be "productive". I would also love to call myself an internet princess and be all happy but in reality I know the truth. Nobody reads this, nobody cares about me, and I am all alone. Dear reader, I suspect you are viewing this some time after my passing. Perhaps some kind of fun to read through a deceased persons thought process, perhaps I knew you before my passing. Whichever it is I am grateful for your eyes and brain being fed by my words, but odds are? You dont exist. I really would love for someone to actually read and listen to what I have to say, although my website shows good stats I know in the end that nobody actually really cares. If this isnt the most depressing blog I dont know what is lmao, I really do hate the feeling that comes with venting. That feeling from the early years of my life spent being made fun of, picked on, raped, groped, beat up, stolen from, jumped etc.

So, after all of that I somehow managed to get even worse, my throat infection is coming back. I cant help but think "why me" yet I know why, I am a terrible person who has done terrible things. I deserve this, and all that is to come. If I leave this situation with my life then I will still more than likely opt to kill myself, my life is worthless. Sometimes I think about what couldve been and., fuck. I lost all motivation halfway through writing that. Goodbye.

My bloodwork came back, I have mononucleosis.

Haiiii!!! So. Remember that positive stuff I wrote? Throw it ALL out. So, basically tl;dw is I got mad at hollow knight, couldnt update the website because my computer decided to not work that night (no clue why), broke my phone a little bit more, tried to kill myself, and went to bed sobbing. But, on the bright side. My pathetic sobbing and mental breakdown ended up working and my nan decided that I should stop smoking cigarettes entirely and pivot towards less overall intake of weed, but stretch it over a longer period of time to maintain a high. Thus making me happy for the day! :3 So after receiving my weed, I would like to say that I am much happier overall and will NOT decide to kill myself X3

LMFAOOOOOOOO THESE LITTLE FUCKING SHITS. THOSE CUNTS THAT CALLED ME A FAGGOT AWHILE BACK? THEY DID IT AGAIN.... BUT THIS TIME WE CAUGHT HIM ON CAMERA. IN LITERAL FUCKING 4K UHD. AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH ONE OF THEM EVEN USED TO SELL ME DOPE. SO WE TOLD HIS MOM THAT HER SON SELLS POT TO CHILDREN LMFAOOOOOO WHAT A FUCKING BUM GET FUCKED YOU LITTLE PRICK PLUS IM GONNA TRY TO FILE A FUCKING RESTRAINING ORDER BECAUSE HE ALSO THREATENED TO RAPE ME BEFORE AND IMMIDIATELY AFTER TRIED TO DRUG ME AHAHHAHAHAHAA


Hello everyone, the time is 12:05 AM and I feel like shit. Watched some youtube after my last post and went for a drive with my nan because I said I would earlier not knowing she would yell at me earlier. (technically yesterday but wtv) Suprising absoloutely fucking nobody she proceeded to mock my nicotine addiction and call me a "chain smoker" pretty apt description but still didnt feel good to be mocked. Furthermore when talking to my girlfriend earlier, I also made a discovery on how I might slip out of this depression spiral I have myself encased in, I can just cut on my legs so that nobody can see my scars !!! LMFAO I know it sounds really dumb and maybe a little retarded, (literally me) but it should get the job done for now. Also no, my nan did not buy me more weed. She is still very much mad at me for whatever I did, and there is no weed in sight. If I had the option currently I would probably break into my local cannabis shop and steal a couple cans of this strain I really like called donair kush.

So, that didnt work. (minor blood warning ^w^) I kept going far past the point where usually it would feel good, but nothing came. (haha undertale reference) Besides this I really had no other coping mechanisms, this leaves me with absoloutely zero fucking clue how im gonna fix myself this time and its seriously bumping my anxiety too. My body is like an overcomplicated biomechanical suit designed to make my life substantially worse and give me so many mental disorders, they start comboing me!!!! Its seriously fucked up how horribly all of my mental illnesses combine into this conglomerate monster type THING, that is just always there and always needs managment. Its like putting a thirst system in a video game, like how much of an asshole are you? Just completely unneccesary micro-managment around every fucking corner. This shit seriously pisses me off, anyways besides my anger I do very much still have to figure out how im possibly gonna slip out of this one. It seems like everything has went wrong this time and everything is trying to stop me, now I know this isnt exactly true but it still feels like it ! Like seriously what else am I expected to think when literally every fucking method I have at my disposal either, ran out, or just completely doesnt work. Fuck my life.

Well, its the morning now. I actually dont feel too bad after my 11 hour long hibernation, mentally speaking. Physically speaking? I feel like utter shit, ALL of my bone feel compressed and coated in tar. I feel as if each and every bone in my body is being compressed vertically all at the same time. (also my leg still hurts) Besides that though, mentally im good! Which is all I really care about tbh, physical pain never really gets high enough for me to really care. Unless I randomly develop some disease, (that would suck) I think im currently doing fine. :3


Currently 9:48 PM, I was planning on sleeping however got interuppted when my nan entered my room and proceeded to talk to me about my cigarette and weed consumption and how im smoking so much. She then proceeded to open my can of weed and exclaim "Empty! Just as I thought." and leave. This had already destroyed my psyche enough to where I was no longer tired and proceeded to go on my computer instead of rotting in bed to play hollow knight. Around 2 minutes after this she decided I didnt have enough and came back in to get even more mad at me, this led to her seeing my math course on my browser tabs. This caused her to talk to me about how I need to try harder in school (I literally just started EARLIER TODAY.) and now I feel extra shit, I would go outside and smoke but im (very reasonably) afraid of harassment from a certain group of people. This is leading me to consider self harm but also I know damn well im gonna get in shit for it tomorrow. I wish this would end, but I can no longer consider a job because im into my schooling now. With no weed and no money im afraid of what I might do, although thats a problem for future me because current me needs to figure out how to stop feeling like shit.


BONG CAME. Hollyyy, shiy... My peanits,,, It feels so good taking rips off this thing, also soz for not updating very often my girlfriend just went home so my bad about the infrequency of these things now. I also really hate how my past continues to haunt me, its like this never ending thing that just keeps pulling at me. If I could only use one word to describe the way it feels, that word would be "foreboding". Its never ending, I really try my best not to sound like a tumblr vent page in these posts but to be honest I really cant drop the opportunity. This sucks, life sucks. Becoming a girl alone is such a hard goal to obtain let alone any other ambitions I have, and because of this I have basically no mental capacity for anything. If I even try to shower most days I just break down and cry on the floor. I really hate it, I just want to be normal. Well, anyways since that isnt happening (ahahaa fat incel chud) I guess ill just finish writing this and go take a fat shit, ill update more to keep watch.

Its late at night and my nans not paying attention, I think im gonna try to smoke whats left in the bowl. Ill update on progress in a bit... Okay! So, nobody noticed. AND! I smoked that shit EMPTY.... So im feeling pretty good, see cause if I dont do this ill usually start spiraling LMFAO

Hey so, funny story. Im writing this in my bed, and I was 100% truthfully gonna touch myself but then I stopped, because in the window outside laid a singular orange tinted street light. A glow that reminded of me about the night me any my former abuser went to the irving on bikes to buy a nintendo switch gift card for 25 dollars. . . I guess thats not exactly really funny but figured id share it here just to get it off my chest and finally tell people about this.

Whats up gangalang, just finished playing a little bit of hollow knight (no not silksong) and got to city of tears !! :3 Genuinely loving this game so far,


OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. I love this woman. Sorry for not updating everynyan!!!! But, seriously? How am I supposed to be expected to update this when this fucking BEAUTIFUL woman is laying in my bed still LMFAO, I kinda wanna wake her up before the movies but I myself am a little tired despite falling asleep around the same time. ALSO!!! I also lowkey REALLY want a big juicy wet burger but she has a garlic allergy, so I still wanna wait atleast an hour before waking her up under the case if I do get to eat my big juicy wet burger... I'll make sure to update more often maybe and keep my blog in mind, but again thats REALLY hard when im with my girlfriend !! (this is just a glorified tumblr account LMFAO) Also, I still have yet to go to the movies with her, we need to get dressed fairly soon but to be honest I have 0 fucking clue when we are supposed to be there, I guess ill just make some shit up LMFAO


Okay well, the title is a little misleading, shes not here.... YET. She will be!!!! Currently I am dressed to go!!! ^w^ Right now its mainly just alot of smoking and waiting for my uncle to get out of the bathroom so we can go meet someone to give them something. (not going into specifics) But also I find that I REALLY REALLY want weed right now, alas I have none left. (this is tragic please cry for me) Im actually gonna beg and plead with my nan (basically my mom) to give me weed for my birthday along with the bong since if I have no weed I cant use it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (I will try to remember to update how this goes but tbh with my girlfriend around im not 100% sure ill even remember I HAVE a blog to update LMFAOOO)

Hello! I have returned from my drive with new info, first I wanna say... I CLEANED MY ROOM!!!! (ME!!!) Not sure how I managed to pull through it but, this time it wasnt my nan helping me clean, it was me! So atleast I got my workout in, (cleaning is alot okay? -w-) but I need to start getting ready cuz I have 0 makeup on and I leave at 4PM with it currently being 2:39PM as I write this into my html file, that gives me about 40-45 mins before I have to start putting makeup on and I genuinely have 0 clue what to do, I already showered, cleaned, OH! IDK IF I HAVE TIME, BUT I WANNA PAINT MY NAILS THE SAME AS MY GF SHIT I GOTTA HURRY OKAY BYE YALL!!! :3

Thanks for teh bong... TS fire :3

Hello everyone! I am writing this on my phone in my bed and it is currently 12:27 and technically october 2nd... NEW DAY!!!! And today is a day of preperations (showering mainly ;3) because I have alot ahead of me on the 3rd and 4th (4th is my birthday) which means I need a shower!! when I wake up of course... I already have an outfit planned for the 3rd when I see my beautiful girlfriend and we see a scary movie on the 4th!! how fun! but anyways, enough about me (even though this is MY blog and ill eventually talk more about my personality) and more about this update i made on the website, any and all bots should be detected and banned from scraping my beautiful website for generative ai (GROSS!!) but all in a days work I suppose -w- goodnight yall, see you in the morning when I post this on my blog !!!

Hello everynyan!!! I have officially awoken from my slumber at 8:56AM,, not bad I suppose. You know, I was thinking on the toilet, that old friend is the ENTIRE reason I actually started this (butterfly effect is crazy huh?) because one time she asked me if I ever wanted a website and well, yeah! And she told me about this thing called neocities, now at the time I had no clue about the word "neo" so I couldnt actually find it. But the seed was planted in my mind ever since this moment LOL, anyways I have alot of stuff to do so dont expect me to update this too regularly today maybe, still need to get my birthday present (A FUCKING HELLO KITTY BONG!!!) because all the stores that sell that stuff locally havent been open every time we tried to go due to some stupid ass holiday. Also thinking about updating that surreal weirdcore game but, idk recently I have found someone to do animation work on the arena shooter which means I can FINALLY start working on a better system for the game itself since the original combat isnt too enjoyable, the orignal plan for this was to have a revolver you could shoot at any time via a button key but that doesnt feel fun enough IMO, something more in tune with ULTRAKILLs combat would make for a more fun gameplay loop but I have issues coming up with ideas that wouldnt just be porting over ULTRAKILL assets at that point LMAO. Maybe I could switch to first person and have the isometric camera available as some sort of mini map in the top left, and the main gameplay loop could be something similar to POST VOID actually but with a way more heavy approach to longer games and more rougelike gameplay! (thinking of featuring a one handed chainsaw >:3) However this seems annoying to get working because the last time I remember roblox only really has janky methods to project a view onto a gui.

So... day 390 of trying to get over this. .....not working so far.

So, despite what they DID TO ME, I currently wish their mothers and sisters good luck with dealing with these people, and if you are reading this? My condolences.

Anyways, I am now smoking more weed to forget about this, these people meant alot to me and drudging up old memories just so I can tell a blog about stuff that REALLY doesnt need to be online (especially in this landscape LOL).

Holy fuck, huge rip. Im already crossfaded KEK.... I love you all, everyone taking time out of their day to read this (yes, you!) and would like to say that I dearly appreciate everyones support during the launch of this blogpage/diary. This has been an exciting part of my life so far and I would love to continue in helping you all for whatever purpose you read !!! :D (Have you ever wished to become my friend? If so then come right here! :3)

Hey, so. You know that weed I was talking about? Now its starting to seriously kick in cuz I lowk smoked a whole bowl LMFAO. This is going to be really good for my mental health in the coming while due to me REALLY wanting to finally see my girlfriend again, I truly love her and this little while where we are gonna spend time feels like im about to receive the WORLD or something LOL well, it really isnt that far off for me exactly. The whole reason I started this website is cuz I got off my ass and did something !!! Also, more good news. One of my friends I thought I had lost has recently gotten back in contact with me !!! Im really appreciative of this and want to ask her if I can put her website on mine but, again totally not sure if she would be okay with something like that when previously I assumed her to be practically gone, this moral dilemma holds me from doing it because I want to ask first, but also holds me from asking BCUZ IM TOO SCARED !!! Anywho, took my inhaler and fucking DEVOURED my sub (Haha, funny!) and still sorta have the munchies. so I think im just gonna drink this monster I have becuz I get more tmmrw anyways when I see my girlfriend.

Just posted some extremely embarassing instagram reels. I deeply regret it, but also I think its funny enough to where it might direct people from reels making fun of me onto my website and maybe a new friend !! ^w^ So, despite my disgust posting my face online in 2025 (post friends leaving).... I have already done it before, and in probably larger quantity due to the traffic on my website. If anything this just boosts mah kewl blog a little bit :3

JUST CLEARED OUT ANOTHER BOWL. LIT. LIT. LIT.

(Yawwwnnnnn~) I. Am. Tired. So much driving today and preperations for tomorrow !! :3 Plus the whole showering thing, looking down while showering still sucks for me BIG TIME. I figure it wont be for awhile until that gets any better, on the bright side of things ! GIRLFRIEND!!!!! I am probably gonna go lay down in my bed now and leave the website as is until I eventually fall asleep ehehee, hopefully my gf wants to talk more as im getting ready for bed because that would be AWESOME SAUCE. YIPPEEEEE!!! NOW GOODNIGHT EVERYONE I APPRECIATE AND LOVE YOU ALL ^-^

Day of opening, huh? hopefully when most people read this my logs have a long while before they end up here, but oh well. I would like to start off by saying there is absoloutely 0 schedule for my blog and all inspiration comes from an old friend, I would go into detail about the backstory of us but truthfully im on bad enough terms with her now as is. Despite me caring about her, truthfully I am nothing more than some depraved stalker at this point in her life, we knew eachother as childhood friends, yes. But things have taken a turn in recent years due to my forced confession by another completely seperate group of childhood friends. My past associations with those people still haunt me to current day, I really do wish they would just get out of my life.

new hour new me, I am back writing this because I have nobody to talk to and atleast writing some of my notes down feels nice because now I feel productive for writing stuff on my computer as opposed to doomscrolling, I have been recently getting obsessed with bugs (not telling you why) but I really enjoy these creatures who look so harmful just being so silly and playing around ! it reminds me of myself and how I actually hate everything about my physical human form and depsite it I try to convey my deepest feelings, usually failing horribly because I decide on some random biblical word to self describe as opposed to writing it out normally like a normal human being because I have schizophrenia(undiagnosed).

While I have been thinking about bugs I also have been thinking alot about that weirdcore game I made. I kinda want to add a bug type -thing- (not explicitly an enemy) where the visuals are contstructed in 3d using 2d images of a bugs anatomy, I believe this could be pretty cool in theory but im not so sure about my own capabilities to construct something like that and have it look cool and fitting in this entire world I have doomed myself into creating for.

I have been recently finding myself more and more in love with my girlfriend, shes awesome ! I soon meet with her in ~2 days at the time of writing for my birthday :D Im especially happy due to how long we were apart since I was beginning to get lonely (enough to start a neocities blog LOL) I really dont wanna go too into our relationship details in this blog ever due to the both of us not really wanting aspects publicized (trust me its for the better) but I will often refer to her in this blog just because the amount of significance she has in my life and how im currently feeling, but anyways enough about that for now LOL, recently ive been thinking: how much weed do I consume daily? The answer? ALOT. so much so I am now concerned about running out entirely ;-; I guess it could be worse, I could run out of cigarettes instead LMFAO (UGHHH I HATE ADDICTION!)

Really excited for tomorrow to start, I've been writing too much on this singular day LMFAO new topic: Dr Pepper. I fucking LOVE this stuff. I have drank like 8 today and counting, I now seriously need to research about the long term effects of dr pepper usage to see if im gonna get ball cancer or something.

Okay, wow. so apparently some guy fucking did it. He drank 4.5L of dr pepper every single day, his teeth rotted to that of a like 42 year old or some shit and his muscles were fatigued ALONG with his fucking kidney almost going into failure.... Yeah I think im going to stop drinking so much dr pepper.

considering adopting some sort of centipede/creepy crawly bug or snake maybe even a large scorpion who knows, by the way, girlfriend. I know you are reading this, NO. Anyways, I really do find it enjoyable to watch them crawl around on stuff and would love the feeling of one crawling on me for sensory purposes, I imagine it might calm me similar to how whenever my CAT lays on me.

I REALLY love game development, so anytime I get the chance ill publicize my progress here.
ROBLOX ARENA SHOOTER
WEIRDCORE ROBLOX GAME